5 minute read
At some point, we all face the pain of losing a loved one, and we are often times left with the difficult task of deciding how to handle their possessions. To learn more about the relationship between grief and stuff, we had a conversation with The Organizer Chicks KC Director of Operation Clare Warrington (to find the whole conversation, click here).
Clare holds a bachelor’s degree in Family and Human Services from John Brown University, and she has spent the last three years studying bereavement. She brings that knowledge combined with her experience as a Professional Organizer to answer some questions about grief.
Why is letting go of “stuff” after a loved one dies so difficult?
Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that sorting through their possessions is exhausting, emotional work, and items that seemed so insignificant can suddenly be nearly impossible to let go. According to Clare, this is because bereavement carries a very physical component.
“In the early stages of a loss, what can be most difficult is coming to terms with the reality that a person who was just there yesterday, just there a week ago, who you could reach out and touch, that you could feel, is suddenly gone and no longer accessible.”
As a result, stuff often becomes more than just “stuff.” According to Clare, possessions that belonged to a loved one can become “a link to that loved one” and even “a way to hold on.”
In other words, after a loss, a scarf might not just be a scarf anymore. Instead, it might be a symbol of your grandma. Even though you can’t hold your grandma’s hand or give her a hug anymore, you can still feel the soft texture of her favorite scarf and smell her perfume lingering in the fibers.
According to Clare, possessions “can be reminders that before this person was dead, they were alive, that they wore these shoes, that they wore this coat, that they touched this blanket or sat in this chair. They can also serve as a way to put the brakes on and allow ourselves to retreat back into that world where a loved one is still present with us.”
That physical possession can ease the pain of missing someone’s physical presence, and, as such, it becomes more than just a “thing.”
How long will I feel this way? When should I start sorting through my loved one’s possessions?
People often want to know how long grief will last, and trying to devise a schedule for the grief process can be rather tempting. However, Clare notes that “grief has no timeline and it’s always going to look different for every person.”
The acute emotional experiences of grief, such as sadness, depression, anger, and tearfulness, can last for weeks or months. During this time, it is important not to rush yourself or others to return to “normal.” Processing a loss means fully experiencing the deep, painful emotions of grief. Hopefully, these emotions can be experienced in a loving, supportive community or with a qualified therapist.
Furthermore, the focus of grief can’t be on getting to the end. Grief is a path, not a destination.
In fact, according to Clare, grief never truly “ends.” While early beliefs about grief included the idea that a person “gets over” the loss by cutting emotional attachments with the deceased, new research is showing the opposite to be true.
“But what we’re finding now…is that continued attachments with our lost loved ones is actually the hallmark of a healthy grief process.* And so, rather than viewing grief as an event that is going to end, it’s rather something that we learn to live with.”
*Continuing bonds is often a sign of healthy adjustment, but not always. People may not want to experience a continued attachment with someone they have lost for a variety of reasons, and this can also be a healthy grief response. Read more by clicking here.
How can I support my loved one as they grieve?
Knowing how to support someone during grief can be difficult. While Clare acknowledges that no one-size-fits-all approach exists, she outlines a few points that can help you provide support to a bereaved loved one.
Give them time. “I sincerely believe that time is the best gift that we can give to the bereaved,” says Clare. That principle applies to sorting through material possessions. Clare mentions that we should refrain from telling someone that they “should” finish by a certain date. She notes that going through possessions is extremely emotionally exhausting, and a grieving person may not have the energy to tackle that project for a while — and that’s okay.
Offer to be present. Clare recommends that you “offer to be a loving presence, and let them lead in that.” In other words, don’t charge into the situation asserting your own ideas. Some people are going to invite you into this experience, while others are going to want to do it alone. Both scenarios are good and healthy, so long as the grieving person (and not well-intentioned loved ones) is setting the prerogative.
Help create a system. Looking at a house full, a closet full, or even a drawer full of a deceased loved one’s possessions can be completely overwhelming, especially when you feel like you have to make a decision about everything right away. Whether you are working alongside a loved one or setting groundwork for them to work alone, offer to set up a system of three piles - “Definitely keeping,” “Definitely discarding,” and “Decide later.” This will relieve the pressure while also getting the ball rolling.
Manage logistics. Life is chaotic after a death. If your loved one is having to coordinate family members to go through possessions, gently offer to handle those details where appropriate. Clare comments that you can “let them deal with the actual hard work that they alone can do, and take care of the details for them so that they can have that breathing room and have just that much more energy to do the hard, emotional part of grief.”
Don’t ask for things. With all of the best intentions, we might be tempted to ask for an item that belonged to the deceased. However, as we already discussed, a deceased loved one’s possessions are not merely “things.” Clare explains that “when you do that, you’re not asking for a thing, you’re asking for a memory. And you’re asking someone to just give it away.” As such, we can respect our loved one by letting them decide who gets to keep what.
Grief is complex, nuanced, and incredibly individual. One of the best things that we can do for ourselves and for each other is to listen to the experiences of people who have weathered grief before. Here are some recommended resources for learning more about grief:
Nora McInerny TED Talk - “We Don’t ‘Move On’ from Grief. We Move Forward with It.”
On Grief and Grieving - Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
Hopefully we have highlighted some important information regarding grief and possessions. To hear the full conversation with Clare, check out our podcast episode by clicking here, and please leave a comment with any questions, feedback, or ideas you might have.